– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
everyone has that one prude friend
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.