Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.