2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
You Might Also Like
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
who did the taste test?
Watermelon Boss!
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.