[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
This is my bus stop.