Oceanography is all about current events
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out