Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
the three genders
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus