[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*