Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what