GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
peep davidson
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.