A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone