Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*