I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?