Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You Might Also Like
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea