I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
This guy gets it.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.