Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The future is now.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.