When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!