Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
R.I.P.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks