How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.