Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash