I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?