‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?