the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY