Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*mops up wine with cat*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”