If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Mad Max Arctic Road
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.