life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
This is true.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
turning my gender off to conserve energy
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not