My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
lost dog
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My birthstone is kidney
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery