Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.