Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I created you as mosquito food.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening