Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Follow me for more recipes
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that