Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Legend 🤣🤣
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.