[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I hope they boil the right one.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
But wait…
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.