(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie