JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]