If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now