rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’