Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER