In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol