As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
me hitting on a model
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.