Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
2022 be like
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry