If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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when mom throws a party…
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*