I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
finally found a reasonable question
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.