People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Chemical wingman
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.