A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
(more comics:
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School