Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.