I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️