The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
when mom throws a party…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.