There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
There’s no “u” in narcissist
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.