Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?