I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.