I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Time for evil
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.